Horrible but laugh-free film tests the limits of what Pitt and Clooney can save with their star power

George Clooney and Brad Pitt caused a public uproar when Apple postponed the release of their film “Wolfs,” for which they had earned tens of millions of dollars, from theaters to streaming.

“It’s a flop,” Clooney groaned at the Venice Film Festival when asked about his salary, er, sorry, his film.

The two were actually supposed to send Apple CEO Tim Cook an edible arrangement because it would have spared them the embarrassment of a huge flop.

“Wolfs,” a so-called comedy from Jon Watts in which Clooney and Pitt play rival New York fixers tasked with discreetly disposing of a corpse, is a terrible, laugh-less film that tests the limits of what can be salvaged by star power alone.

Brad and George’s A-list presence can’t hide their elementary school-style dialogue, muddled tone, and dollar store aesthetic. In fact, their attachment to this compost only exacerbates its many, many problems.

The names in boldface suggest a certain level of quality – or at least competence – that this film does not achieve. Perhaps I would be more forgiving if this buddy cop reboot starred Stephen and Billy Baldwin. Unfortunately.

As things stand, you won’t be howling so much as huffing and puffing at the unfortunate “wolves.”

Watt’s 108-minute yawn begins with a woman screaming. It’s Margaret (Amy Ryan), and she’s just discovered a naked corpse in a luxury hotel suite.

Covered in the young man’s blood, Marge pulls down the blinds and, shaking, picks up her iPhone. Apple is trying to make lemonade out of its lemon and is at least able to sell some mobile devices.

“I was told if I ever needed serious help to call this number,” she says. “There’s only one man in town who can do what you do.”

Enter Clooney, dressed in black and whose character has no name or, you know, any characteristics. He puts on rubber gloves and prepares to make the harmful situation disappear.

But it turns out he’s not the only man. A few minutes later, a dejected Pitt knocks on the door.

His character has been hired by the hotel owner, a disembodied voice, to perform the same task because it turns out that Margaret is a powerful district attorney who slept with the dead man, and the hotel owner does not want her business tainted by scandal.

(Every New Yorker knows that spectacular crimes actually make a place more attractive. Just ask Sparks Steak House.)

The two shady fixers have never met or even know each other, but for some reason they hate each other immediately. And that, dear readers, is the only joke of the whole film: everything Brad can do, George can do better.

Watts, whose Spider-Man films are great fun for Sony, throws centuries-old comedy rules overboard by having both Pitt and Clooney play the serious man.

We grimace as two smug, dejected, and blasé guys speak so robotically they could star in a biopic called Siri.

Two incredibly boring men secretly annoyed with each other is not humor as the world understands it. What is funny is how much grooming product is in their mummified hair.

In the pantheon of Clooney and Pitt collaborations, I would rather watch Ocean’s 12 again.

“Wolfs” gains a brief boost when the only actor awake appears: the talented Austin Abrams, who plays Kid, a nerdy and curious guy who accompanies George and Brad on their disappointing tour of New York’s underworld.

But as soon as the focus returns to the two big movie stars, our eyes roll back. They babble noncommittally about Croatian and Albanian crime syndicates, engage in an impressively boring shootout and are always completely unbelievable in their roles.

The only advantage of releasing “Wolfs” directly to the streaming service is that viewers can easily switch to “Oceans Eleven” after the first five minutes.