Jimmy Kimmel on the US election: “It feels like the country is waiting for the results of a biopsy” | Late Night TV Roundup

On the eve of Election Day, late-night hosts discussed polls, the exhaustion of an endless campaign cycle and their closing arguments for Kamala Harris.

Jimmy Kimmel

“We are now just one day away from having to wait another week to find out who won the election,” Jimmy Kimmel said Monday night. “It feels like the whole country is waiting for the results of a biopsy.”

Donald Trump declared his candidacy almost two years ago, on November 15, 2022. “And now, 720 days, 88 criminal charges, 34 felony convictions, four indictments, two Democratic opponents and one garbage truck later, here we are. Election Day,” Kimmel said.

According to most national polls, the race is a dead heat, but Kimmel had harsh words for the pollsters. “These polls? They are mood rings. That’s all they are,” he said. “They bring you up, they bring you down. Poll is short for bipolar.

“There’s no magic involved, it’s heads or tails,” he added. “In the end, the pollsters who got it wrong will quietly disappear. The others will say, “I told you, 1%.” What did you tell us? They called 800 losers who weren’t smart enough not to answer an unknown call.

“I still don’t understand how close this race can be,” he continued, referencing footage obtained by the Daily Beast of Jeffrey Epstein calling Trump his “friend.”

“Epstein said Trump told him he liked having sex with his best friends’ wives, to the point where Epstein described Trump as someone who had no “moral compass.” Do you know what kind of fiend you must be? Jeffrey Epstein “To say that you have no moral compass?” he seethed. “It’s like R. Kelly is mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up.”

Kimmel concluded with his final message on the election: “Take a moment and imagine a world where you wake up in the morning, read the news, and no one says the words ‘Donald’ or ‘Trump.'” Just a bunch normal, boring things. Wouldn’t that be nice? No lawn signs. No red hats. No arguing with your grandfather.

“Let’s remove this cancerous polyp from our shared national colon,” he added, “and move on already.”

Seth Meyers

“None of us can control what happens tomorrow, we can only control how drunk we are when it happens,” Seth Meyers said on “Late Night,” looking at a series of polls calling the election a “mistake.” was designated.

“How can so many polls be indecisive?” he asked himself. “Do they do the first half of the survey in a little coffee shop in Williamsburg and the second half of the survey in a beer line at a kid rock concert?”

“How is it possible that exactly half the country believes Trump is an amoral psychopath who would destroy American democracy, and the other half thinks he is an amoral psychopath who would destroy American democracy… but it’s worth it , because he is an incredible dancer!”

Meyers devoted much of his monologue to reminding voters what they had to choose. The Republicans’ final message, he argued, was: “Are you going to vote for a woman whose laugh they don’t like, or are you going to vote for a man who has instigated a violent coup attempt after a months-long campaign against Republicans?” During the In the 2020 election, he undermined the country’s response to a deadly pandemic that was spiraling out of control because he tried to cover it up, lied about its severity, promoted bogus treatments for it, and said we could cure it by injecting disinfectants and shining strong lights let the body shine “Became the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net job loss?”

He listed additional disqualifying certificates up to and including January 6 – the full transcript can be found here – and concluded with a reference to exhaustion. “I’ve been talking about this man for almost a decade now, as evidenced by the fact that everything I just listed is still somehow embedded in my brain,” he said. “The symptoms that caused him won’t go away immediately if he loses tomorrow, but we have the opportunity as a nation to say we want him to go away.” And I really hope that happens, especially so I never have to think about it again.”

Stephen Colbert

“After a two-year campaign, we’ve finally managed to get through all 20 years,” Stephen Colbert said on Late Night. “In a way, we are all about to witness history. Good or bad. I suspect that’s how the people of Pompeii felt when Vesuvius was trying to get re-elected.”

Like Meyers and Kimmel, Colbert was frustrated by the dead polls. “I could make a clearer prediction with a magic 8-ball!” he joked.

One bright spot, however, was J Ann Selzer’s highly regarded Des Moines Register poll of Iowa, which showed Harris leading Trump by three points, with older women voting 63% to 28% for the vice president. “Oh, older women are AAR pissed,” Colbert quipped. “Save me, Gam-Gam!”

The Harris campaign warned against getting too excited, but “too late!” Colbert chirped. “I must be excited because I only have two other options. Absolute terror or absolute vodka. I need this. There is no in-between.”

Meanwhile, in the final days of the campaign, Trump presented “very good evidence that his brain is broken,” Colbert quipped. In North Carolina, Trump tried to outdo “Tim Walz Tim Walz” with a football pep talk, but it failed. “All we have to do is carry the ball over this… thing,” he said.

“Oh yeah, exactly,” Colbert joked. “Just carry the ball over this… thing.”